Doubt

There are days were I feel I am the luckiest person in the world. Days when I feel like there isn't possibly anything more I could want from life. I have a beautiful family, two girls who adore each other, adapt easily to anything and everything, are very independant, and are very well mannered (most of the time). I have a husband who is very attentive, treats me like a queen, and is very patient and understanding of my needs and the needs of our children. We are all healthy and doing pretty well for ourselves in several areas of life. There are those individulas that I have to look to for guidance and support who are always there for me, even when it isn't convenient. I get to be a stay at home mom, which is something I now many women would kill for...Then there are days when I feel like I'm not even myself. Like I've completely forgotten who I am. Sometimes I feel as if motherhood is the only thing that has defined me. After a particularly frustrating day, my fortune from the fortune cookie read " It is never too late to change your path in life" When I read this to Austin, he laughed and said, "What would your path be if you could change it?" I honestly couldn't answer. The only thing I could think about was what I needed to accomplish today; baths, cleanup, bedtime, the constant attention my 4 month old insists on demanding lately...I realized that is how I run my life, getting through one day at a time. Rarely finding a moment for myself and not realizing it until the day is done and there is no time left and I'm getting in bed. This is why my blogging is usually done after ten. My baby is nursing this very moment as I type. I am not jotting this down for sypmathy or regret, just simply for self realization. I may even regret posting this later. But I feel that if I just write my feelings on paper, I'll eventually just throw the paper away as if these feelings never existed. I don't keep a journal. Blogging is the closest thing I have to one. Therefore, my thoughts and feelings end up here. I don't doubt myself as a mother. I'm very comfortable in this role. My children are happy, healthy, and thiriving with every new day. I just need a new challenge, something to keep me on my toes and help me be able to mentally keep up with life. Something to help me feel like I'm contributing to this world. What I really should be doing is throwing myself into service and doing things for others. I need a new hobby, find something I'm good at. Truth is, I'm scared to death. I feel like I've been doing the same thing for so long that whatever I attempt to do, I would completely fail. Since I've become a mother I've realized I never do anything without being fairly confident about it first. When Austin and I were dating, he could ask me to go skateboarding with him and I'd do it in a heartbeat even though I'd never been on one. He knows better than to ask now. I wouldn't even come close to doing something so wreckless. What has happened to the young, vivacious, glamorous woman I used to be? I really don't believe being a mom is the complete contributing factor. I am to blame for this loss. I allow myself to be completely overcome by the demands of motherhood that I am no longer who I wanted to be. But I'm the only one that can change that. I am truly grateful for EVERYTHING Heavenly Father has given me. I do have an amazing life. I do, however, hope to become the women I alway thought I'd be. A women who gladly accepts any challenge without self-doubt and conquers all she can. Hopefully this post will help me realize it's in my own hands to find joy in all things, make the changes that need to be made, and accept the things that can't be changed.